MirandaDevine.com

Ahhhh….to bask in the knowledge that I am always right. It warms my cockles even better than a nice day tanning on my rooftop sunbed. And, it’s a lot quieter given that my roof has an gargantuan airconditioner mounted on top that makes a terrible humming noise. A sneaky secret about me: I sometimes go up onto my roof on midwinter nights and just bask on my sunbed, such is the internal warmth generated by my obvious correctness.

So that rampant leftie barrister latte type, The “Honourable” Terence Cole QC, brought out his report this week into all this Iraq AWB business. What a beatup, I say! For starters, these kickbacks haven’t affected our glorious nation of Middle Australia in the slightest. Secondly, Middle Australia isn’t concerned with reading reports! Reading is for the intellectual elite who have no idea what they are talking about. Thirdly, this proud nation was borne from the womb of the sheep; chewed like the cud of a cow’s fourth stomach; forged in the warm, righteous fires of agricultural prosperity! Trust those lefties to bite the glorious hand that fed them for so long: our Wheat Board. Just imagine what the Anzacs would say about this insolence! Don Bradman would be turning in his grave. The Un-Australianess of this whole leftist diatribe is making me sick!

Naturally, being a journalist of unparallelled impartiality, thoroughness and guile, I snuck into Parliament House earlier this week and read the entire first paragraph of the executive summary, from cover to cover. From these close investigations, I can conclude that the following people are entirely to blame for whatever went on that seems to have so many leftist Howard-Haters champing at the bit:

• Single mothers
• Schapelle Corby
• The Greens
• and most SCANDALOUSLY…

…

ummm….

…

er…

… … …

• Not the Government. Yep.

Shizzwiggles, I’m going struggle to come up with something more constructive on this whole business, given my high standards for intelligent, cogent argument. To be honest, I don’t quite get what’s going on. Hmm.

You know what they say though: When the going gets tough, the tough get apathetic. I’m not touching this rigmarole with a ten foot pole until I’ve spoken to Alan Jones or John Laws and found out what they think. I’ll think I’ll keep a low profile this week, and write my rant about the joys of cricket and sporting achievement instead. As the Great John Howard has shown me, nothing unites all Australians (and turns them into politically apathetic slobs) like the glorious game of cricket!

Ahh. Off the hook. Sunbed calls.

Toodles!

xx Esmerelda