MirandaDevine.com

Now, I know that technically speaking this isn’t an advice column, but I received an email today asking for help, and who am I to deny this great nation my wisdom?

Dear Miranda,

I have been reading your new online column with great interest. I believe that you will be able to help me out with some advice as I am in a very delicate situation.

Recently, quite a few people have been saying some mean things about me. I have been accused of:

• Wearing fishnet stockings;
• Misleading the Australian public;
• Rigging an inquiry; and
• Going by the name of “Sausagepants”.

The heinous people who put these charges before me can no more call themselves “Average Australians” than Andrew Strauss can call himself a “decent batsman”. I work hard to represent the people of Cheese, Lettuce and Mayo, and simply will not tolerate the constant streams of abuse directed at myself and my erstwhile partner, J Winston H. Please Miranda, what can I do to:

1. Wear my fishnets to work without the whole country knowing about it;
2. Mislead the Australian public into thinking that it was actually Julia Gillard who misled them in the first place;
3. Mislead Terence Cole into removing all references to my good self from his report; and
4. Prevent certain idiots from calling me Sausagepants.

You’re my only hope Miranda.

Warm sausages,

AJ Gosse D. (Mrs)

Well, my dear AJ Gosse, this just highlights one of the major problems facing the glorious nation of Middle Australia today - lack of government control over the rights of the left to speak their minds. It just makes me sick to think that, after all Mr Howard has done for our nation, he’s not even allowed to lock away dissidents, let alone torture and kill them.

Can it be possible that, after your brave actions in the 60s when you courageously fled the country to avoid conscription, there can be a single Middle Australian who doubts your manhood? No! Wear your fishnets with pride. Only gays and pansies wear stockings behind closed doors.

As the shortest-serving leader of the Liberal party, the only leader not to have led them to an election, you may feel inadequate from time to time. You can use this tender side of yourself to shelter from the pressing questions asked by the left, and in doing so deflect attention away from yourself. Having done that, chuck a Debnam and start accusing the opposition front benchers of all manner of crimes. Hey, if you say that Gillard was single-handedly responsible for the oil-for-food scandal, then I’ll believe you, and I’ll make sure that the rest of Middle Australia believes you too.

Removing references to yourself from the Cole report is not necessary, as you’re not mentioned in the executive summary anyway. No self-respecting Middle Australian would read past page 1 of that leftist attack on our government.

And as for your colourful nickname, the only possible solution is for you to somehow have the word “sausagepants” recognised as an obscure form of sedition, and have the offending parties thrown into goal, tortured, re-educated, and placed back into society, preferably as some kind of low-level social worker forced to deal with single mothers and Aboriginals all day long.

I hope my advice has been of some help to you. If so, feel free to pass a law for me allowing four wheel drives to indiscriminately run over shifty-looking leftist pedestrians.

xx Miranda