MirandaDevine.com

Sometimes I am not content with my life. My polar bear rug feels slightly less furry. My airconditioner doesn’t cool me down. My Toyota Monstrosity doesn’t bounce the speedbumps with the usual impunity that I’m accustomed to for a vehicle with such high clearance. Even my sunbed lacked appeal, because my rays of righteousness were nowhere near as glorious. Hrmm. I don’t know what my problem is. Perhaps it is my job?

Yeah, I used to write for the Rag, that bastion of media glory for battling middle Australia. But in this gloriously capitalist world, philosophy gets one nowhere, particular when it is logical! So what did I do? I took a wad of extra dough to play devil’s advocate in the fortress of pinko scum: the Sydney Morning Herald.

Thank Christ, the place has shown signs of improvement since I arrived. Gerard Henderson writes weekly: bless his glorious conservative soul. The editor in chief decided to cater to what real middle Australians want: a section full of blogs and gossip where the silent majority can air its correct view. Michael Stanbridge from Bonnet Bay gets published in the letters section at least twice a week, telling all those leftist Howardhaters who their daddy is.

OK, I have a secret…. I am Michael Stanbridge from Bonnet Bay. It allows me to air my correct views twice as often!

I made up the name because it is an anagram for the alias I use when I travel to dangerous places like Bankstown: Miranda Glebe-Schit. Let’s be clear, middle Australia: Glebe is Schit. It is full of lefties and abos.

Anyway, the fact is: I am sad. I feel a sadness that wells from the deepest pits of wanting. I felt a similar way prior to the glorious election of 1996. And for the short period of time that I couldn’t afford a plasma screen TV. I think I want a new job, with Dad. At the Australian.

The Australian! A tremendous place, where my audience is glorious middle Australia in its entirety! Just imagine it- the correct views of Miranda being beamed all across our great nation! It makes me weak at the knees. In addition, the standard of journalism is absolutely superb. These people go behind the frontlines, mixing with dangerous Muslim fanatics and stooping so low as to wear burqas! Just look at this superb piece of investigation by the heroic Elysabeth Wynhausen! I was so moved that I decided to do my own cultural investigation. I made my bathtowel into a turban and wore it outside to water the rhodedenrons, just to see what the middle Australians walking their dogs would say as they passed by. I recieved looks of shocked horror and at least 3 racial slurs. People, the proof is in the Punjab! Middle Australia will no longer tolerate such affronts to society.

But I fear at the pinko paper, my righteous views are not being heard. Maybe it is time to make the move to friendlier, greener pastures….

Toodles!

xx Miranda