MirandaDevine.com

Now, of late there have been quite a few people questioning my correct opinions, and indeed making wild accusations that I am in some way being satirical, or, even worse, that I myself am merely a satirical creation of some sick twisted individuals.

Of course, I have faced many foul accusations throughout my glorious career. From time to time, a passing shit-digger will have a go at me for being out of touch with the population, or of having warped views. Of course, this sort of speculation doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I know that, while I work my heart out up here on my sun-bed, these militant naysayers are slogging away, carting people’s shit left, right and centre, and so they can’t possibly know more about the real world than me. Besides, my rooftop sun-bed gives me an elevated view of the world, adding further credibility to my already pristine and unquestionable commentary. Not since Jesus himself has there been a person so perfect as me.

Okay, maybe Jesus did make a few mistakes, and I am in fact better than him. Just don’t tell the Christians that, or they’ll be howling for my blood. Plus, I’ll probably lose half my readers.

Anyway, back on the topic of satire. Oscar Wilde had it wrong. Satire, not sarcasm, is the lowest form of wit. This peculiar art is practised mainly by university students and people who work for the ABC. Sometimes even university students working for the ABC. Satire only exists because these people know that they are wrong. They can’t win a straightforward argument, and so they try to make people laugh in order to win them over to their side. Thankfully, most honest Middle Australians are glued in front of Australia’s Funniest Crime Scene Investigations to pay any attention to them.

Nevertheless, to accuse me of satire is low. So low, that I have to take 5 extra-strength Valiums to get over the pain. And wht’s more, to accuse me of being a satirical creation, of not even existing, is ludicrous! How can someone who does not even exist crank out twice-weekly articles, as well as maintaining this glorious blog and homage to everything I love about Middle Australia, all while catching at least 66 hours a week of sun-bed luxury?

My creators have asked me to stress to you that satire is not funny. Yes, you might see those little shits from The Chaser running around pulling pranks on honest, hard working politicians, but where do they end up? As has-beens hosting such vile leftist affairs as Tropfest, that’s where! If only they had signed up to the Young Liberals, toed the party line, and then got a real job, they would be fit for inclusion in Middle Australian society. Hell, I might even let them clean out my toilets if they were real nice.

It is only by ignoring these depraved individuals that we can be free from them forever. If we all turn our TVs over to some good old fashioned Middle Australian rip-offs of shitty gritty US dramas, then The Chaser and co. will be forced to pack up and move to some pinko-leftie haven country. Hey, there’s at least 196 countries in the world that are lefter than we are. Get out of Middle Australia, and stop defiling our glorious nation with your so-called satire.

Toodles!

xx Miranda