MirandaDevine.com

Most people won’t remember this, but I used to write for the enemy. Back in the days when Honest John was in the springtime of his leadership, when reality TV and Middle Australia were in their infancy, I was a Tele columnist. I loved the Tele readership - good, hardworking, white Middle Australians. Not a musician, intellectual, or conservationist amongst them.

But then I realised that I was preaching to the converted. Why let the glorious talents of Miranda go to waste, falling on the ears of 340,000 Miranda worshippers? Greenies, pinkos and communists were starting to rise once more from the ashes of the seventies, and I was needed elsewhere to keep the right side of Middle Australia balanced.

And what better place to start converting the blind than at that great bastion of leftist idealism - The Sydney Morning Herald? Plus, they threw a shitload of cash at me hoping to woo away the Tele readers. Unfortnately, they would not take my advice and print the SMH on smaller sheets of paper, and so their audience did not increase.

My plan, however, was in full swing.

For too long, the silent majority had been undertrodden by those in the vocal minorities - the single mothers, the gays and lesbians, the aboriginies, and dog owners. What I needed to do, was provide a platform for Middle Australia to stand upon, and start waving their flag proudly.

Now, however, after years of success, people are getting jealous.

Tele readers, fed up with not getting the most glorious column in the whole of Middle Australia printed in their paper, have turned instead to Today Tonight to tell them who to follow. Disgruntled Tele journalists, their readership plummeting, have started attacking me in a vain attempt to exact revenge.

Just remember this, Joe Hildebrand: I am the master. You are following in my footsteps, but you can’t get off page 17. I am an international super-star, you are a suburban nobody. I mow down people like you every morning on the way to work.

And by the way, here’s the real Valentine’s tip: women like men with rippling muscles, fast cars, and a 7.65mm PPK.

Toodles!

xx Miranda