MirandaDevine.com

Let me tell you, I spent the good part of the morning washing the car: the bullbar was absoluted caked in entrails and there were bits of liver, brains and sinew all through the radiator. Hideous! I stood well back and let the high-pressure hose blast it off.

Sydney is absolutely choked this minute, filled to the brim with filthy pedestrians, skateboarders, and vegan cyclists. So full, in fact and I was forced to turn on cruise control, hide under the dashboard and let the trusty Toyota Monstrosity do the driving for me. But why was I hiding?

These weren’t ordinary pedestrians. They were unclean, howling, leftist, hippy, vegan cyclist ferals protesting the arrival of that glorious icon of conservative strength, Dick Cheney.

Hideous! Just look at them. Ghastly!!!!

Even the ferries were under attack from hordes of naked vegan pirate protestors who took to the sea in an attempt to ruin Dick Cheney’s Shangri-La water view:

Gyah!!! Put a bra on, you saggy, leftist harlots. You look like Schapelle Corby!

I was scared and of course, offended by the sights and the smells of these boils on the backside of Middle Australian dignity. Hence the cruise control. I needed a good epsom salt spa bath after that ordeal. I assumed the position atop my sunbed, blunderbuss in hand, just in case any of them followed me home.

Middle Australians, we don’t want the United States of Middle America to think of us as a bunch of idiotic nudist vegans. John Howard is completely correct, as usual. That sort of protesting rubbish might fly in Ireland, but then again, those dirty leprechauns do nothing but dance jigs, tee-diddle-ti-dee-taters and listen to hideous Celtic postmodern jukeboxes of smut; namely, U2.

Australia, it’s time to get out there and support the great man, Mr Cheney. Middle Australia, I implore you to take to the streets, flag in hand, fully clothed! Don’t let these ingrates ruin our alliance, our glorious coalition of the willing. These fools bite the glorious hand that feeds them!!

I plan to get out there this weekend, banner in hand, telling the vegan cyclists that they’re completely incorrect. I’ve even made a superb t-shirt bearing the slogan “Middle Australia Loves Dick!”. Glorious!!

We’ll show those leftist, hairdressing, Kylie Minogue-listening feral lesbians who their Daddy is. Hah! 

Toodles!

xx Miranda