MirandaDevine.com

I hate February. It must be all the heat. It makes ordinary people do silly, left-wing things and think silly, left-wing thoughts.

I feel preposterously grumpy today, despite my cogent demolition of those raging leftist climate monkeys howling up and down the red carpet at the Oscars. Get back on your bikes and start pedalling, you Gore-loving, crack-smoking, cuscus-cuddling celebrities, and then I might listen to you.

(and then I’d run you over in my Toyota Monstrosity, HAH!)

I lay up on my sunbed last night, basking in the rays of righteousness and watching the bats fly serenely overhead. I mused on the fate of the world. Every now and then, I interrupted my thoughts to pick off one of those little guano-dropping bastards mid-flight with the trusty blunderbus. They eat my magnolias, after all!

Some hippy leaned over my fence and hassled me for shooting bats. I picked him off, snorted in glee and poured myself another mai-tai.

I don’t understand all this climate changing hoo-haa. The world’s not getting any warmer. Even if it is: it’s summer, Mr Gore, and we have air-conditioners. Get over it.

I mused. And lamented. I haven’t been able to spend much time gloating these days.

Middle Australia, the last days of February have indeed been dark. It was a week the world made a left turn.

I am no armchair activist. I will NOT sit back and watch the left overrun this glorious nation!

It started with the vilification of the glorious Dick Cheney last week. Over the weekend, I headed out in my “Middle Australia Loves Dick” tshirt, and met some fellow Middle Australians who were heeding my call. We marched around a culder-sac in Kellyville for an hour and a half, banners in hand, and didn’t see a single vegan pirate, howling lesbian cyclist or leftist anywhere. I guess we scared them away! Glorious!

Later on, my suspicions were confirmed that there are still reds in the ranks. That raging communist reporter, MARXine McKew, joined the Labor Party to run against Mr J W Howard for the seat of Bennelong.

I must say, I’m thoroughly concerned for the electoral welfare of our glorious leader. But look at her. She’s DEFINITELY A COMMUNIST.

Conclusive!

Then on Monday, Presidential Also-Ran Mr Gore completely ruined my day with his dripping eulogy to self-righteous vegans everywhere. Let me tell you, if there’s one thing I hate more than anything, it’s armchair-activist hypocrisy. I like a man with a strong character.

Pollute and be Proud of It, I say!

Aspiration is for Boatpeople and Shitheads!

Stay the course, Middle Australia. Don’t listen to Leonardo DiCaprio, Bono, or any of those other postmodern noiseboxes of smut. They are fleeting, but your welfare springs eternal! Your children will thank you for it.

Toodles!!

xx Miranda