MirandaDevine.com

The sinister eyes of a terrorist.

I sat down to the most sumptuous Quadrant Magazine dinner last week. It was world-class cuisine.

I swooned over spinach and cottage cheese rolls.

I mooned and cooed over delicious lobster bisque.

I degusted on superb cucumber sandwiches and Australian prime rib.

Delicious! Glorious! It made me feel truly proud to be a member of the board of such a prestigious organisation!

I munched and ruminated and salivated and drank copious amounts of glorious Australian wine. I, like all great authors, love a good drop of wine to get my enormous cortex lubricated and to set my cerebral cogs of genius in motion.

Unfortunately, by 9 o’clock my teeth were purple and my head was spinning.

At 10 o’clock I headed outside for some fresh air, and against my wishes, I found myself talking to a tree-hugging leftist from Barnardos for Kids and agreed to donate.

It was at this point I realised that I was roaring drunk.

By 11 o’clock I was waterskiing nude on the harbour, chardonnay in hand. As I roared past Potts Point, I screamed profanities at the latte sipping lesbians prancing around their apartments listening to U2.

What a night! Sensational!

Sadly, I missed the keynote speech by the greatest British mind since Winston Churchill: Melanie Phillips. I must say, when it comes to the world’s most tremendous journalists, she comes a close 3rd to myself and Gerard Henderson. But it wasn’t a problem, I picked up a copy of her seminal livre-de-force, ‘Londonistan’. I read the first paragraph of the blurb and can now declare myself a fully converted authority on the subject.

I’m not a fan of importing other people’s views into my articles to give them legitimacy. But I do it anyway, because really, who am I to deny Middle Australia of the glorious opinions which get filtered out by leftists sub-editors of the main sections of the SMH?

As I say in my upcoming book Middle Australiastan, Islam is tearing our nation apart. Drunk youths all around the country are being brainwashed over a late-night kebab, while felafel, tahini and humos are all quotidian fare.

And the humble meat pie? It is being buried under a subversive onslaught of tabouleh, wielded by the same extremists who would like nothing more than to wrap Middle Australia up in one giant burka.

That’s right, my humble adherents of Australiana, we are financing terrorism in our own country, by condoning the presence of Islam and their evil food empires. And like a kebab splattered across a windscreen, it is only when something goes wrong that we will realise how rotten the system has become.

Underneath every burka is a centuries-old, ingrained desire to kill westerners. And yet we stand here idle, while more and more of Middle Australia is being converted and subverted from within. No amount of control orders can save us from this threat. We need action.

The day after my Quadrant dinner, I went home and destroyed all of my Cat Stevens CDs. I tore up my Zinedine Zidane jersey, and burnt my Blade DVDs. From now on, not a cent of my hard-earned pay is going into the back pockets of these godless, west-hating towel-heads.

I’m off to buy myself a Big Mac. A large portion of the tax McDonalds pays on every cent of its profits goes directly to blowing up the source of Islamic extremists: Iraq. I think I may even have two burgers today.

Toodles!
xx Miranda