MirandaDevine.com

Odious Redfern (left) could become Sydney’s saviour (right) if bureaucrats listen to my glorious plan.

Ah, my favourite day: Wednesday, the glorious middle of the week.

Every Wednesday morning, as I sit sipping my full-cream-milk latte with two shots of Pimm’s №1, I ponder how glorious our fine society has become.

Today I am particularly happy. On this fine Middle Wednesday, our glorious Prime Minister will continue his attack on that waffle-eating nancy boy Kevin Rudd. A replacement for the heroic Minister of Human Services and Orange-bellied Parrots will be chosen. $370,000 worth of cannabis was just seized from a bunch of communist leprechaun-loving Kombi drivers in south-western Middle Sydney.

Best of all, my monthly shipment of Valium is due to arrive today. I foolishly squandered last month’s supply in one day, after reading that, for the 29th consecutive year, the police had decided not to round up and arrest everyone participating in the Mardi Gras.

Anyway, now that the odious annual parade of pillow-biters and carpet-lickers has marched its way off the streets and back into the dank gay bars where they belong, I am going to take my Toyota Monstrosity for a celebratory cruise around town. Glorious!

Speaking of cruising, the duke of deliciousness himself, Daniel Craig, may be cruising into town himself later this year. I sent him a detailed letter offering to ride his 007 inches, and I’m expecting a reply any day now.

Meanwhile, the contest between Mad Morris Iemma and the well-packaged poo-drinking advocate Peter Debnam is hotting up. Debnam wants to clamp down on pre-teen hooliganism by throwing ten-year-olds in the slammer. Mad Morris claims that the public is against the idea.

However, an exclusive reader’s poll conducted by myself (see right) proves beyond a doubt that not only is Middle Australia right behind Debnam, they want him to go further! A large percentage of readers advocate throwing even four-year-olds behind bars, and I for one think it’s about time.

For too long, the socially-obsessed Labor government has allowed toddler hoolgians, mostly the children of single mothers, Aboriginals and dole bludgers (frequently all three) free reign to terrorise our supermarkets. The sooner we get these subversive striplings out of our aisles and into our institutions, the sooner decent, hard working Middle Australians can get out and buy their Coca Cola without fear of infantile assult. The people of Middle Australia demand change.

Speaking of change, the end of El Niño has done wonders for my agapanthus. They are now enjoying litres and litres of pure, fresh rainwater, siphoned from my neighbour’s tank. (The money-grubbing scavenger got the taxpayers to fork out for it. The nerve!)

Now that the drought is officially over, hopefully Sydney Water will have the sense to lift the water restrictions so that I can return to washing my Toyota Monstrosity every day, and eliminate these dried on blood stains that I always get when I drive through Redfern on the way to my gym.

It’s also about time that the government sat up and finally did something about the water shortage. Now is the time to build new dams! Every day, the Iemma government allows zillions of litres of rainwater to cascade out into the unprofitable Pacific Ocean. Outrageous! The felafel-munching detractors of my brilliant dam strategy complain that dams are environmentally unfriendly, and besides, there is no room to build one.

Wrong!

My latest brainwave was so glorious that I had to lie down for an extended period of time to recover from the orgasm I had just thinking about my own brilliance. Flatten Redfern! Ship all of the abbos and single mothers out to Broken Hill where they belong, dig a big bloody hole, and let mother nature do the rest. Plus, it will have the added benefit of increasing the property prices in Surry Hills!

My dinner party associates will also have a new body of water to park their luxury yachts in. Everybody wins!

The water from the new Redfern Dam (or the Dam of Glory, as I would like it to be known) can be used to feed the whole of the Eastern Suburbs, as well as Mosman. Everyone else can start drinking their own shit for all I care. They didn’t want a new dam, they don’t have to drink from it.

I love being right all the time! Toodles!

xx Miranda