MirandaDevine.com

I must say, I love dabbling into the world of economics. After all, the holy dollar is what drives us all. Even filthy pinko lesbian book-reading types pick up a dole cheque once a fortnight and fuel the heroin trade. Ugh. the thought makes me bilious. I think I might go and vomit out the window.

Ah. Better. I managed to hit a passing aborigine with my spew, from 5 stories up. It’s probably the first shower he’s had in years!

Let me tell you, when it comes to economics, I, Miranda Esmerelda Diamond Agapantha Devine, am an absolute authority. After all, I have a mathematics degree, which allows me to derive everything from first principles. In fact, this morning, while basking in my righteous glory atop my sunbed, from first principles I derived the entire economic problem with Middle Australia today :

Single Mother Leftist Whale Savers.

Don’t ask me how I did it, you simply wouldn’t understand. You’ve trusted my genius before, so trust my genius again.

Glorious!

Anyway, my episode on the waterskis a couple of weeks back hasn’t allayed the flood of dinner invites that I, an A-List journalist of the highest calibre, am constantly recieving. I attended a Centre for Independent Studies dinner this week, in support of this highly independent organisation sponsored by the finest corporations going around.
To think that some pinko types call me “biased”! Hah! I am as independent as that raging hunk of leftist radio codswobble, Triple J, and much hipper too.

The dinner, of course, was glorious. The filet mignon was top notch. The wine was tremendous. And, through a rosy haze of Bacchanalian cheer, I managed to hear somebody say that Milton Friedman is undoubtedly the second most correct person in the world, after yours truly.

I can confirm, from first principles, that whoever said it (undoubtedly a leading economist) was entirely correct.
Friedman was the great free marketeer of our time. He gave us all the freedom to choose. Even Bono is free to choose, but it’s a shame that he spends so much of his free choosing on freeing dirty Sri Lankan boat people and singing ti-diddle-ti-di-tee-dee-taters Irish post-modern smut.

We are all free to choose. Relish that thought!

Poor people are poor because they choose to be.

(This I also derived from first principles).

It also made me realise that you should always trust a bald man. However, then I remembered that emblem of the hideous sickle-and hammer-communist 1980’s, Mikhail Gorbachev. So, using my mathematical powers of deduction, I refined my formula.

Always trust a bald man wearing glasses.

Case in point.

I love being correct!

Anyway, I sat down and wrote my column and derived, from first principles of course, the entirely correct notion that all economic policy is attributable to one man.

Milton Friedman.

I don’t see how this notion could possibly be incorrect. But yet, those leftists on the other side of the fence started whinging. Browsing yesterday’s letters column, I noticed that Paul Keating, that wind-bagging old sausagedog of communistic unionism, had piped up with another long-joweled rant about how the Labor Party made up its own policies. This notion is ridiculous. I’ve never had an original thought in my life, so why the fuck would that irrelevant old-droopy-chopped bassett hound Paul Keating have one? Look at how he slandered me publicly:

When Miranda Devine writes about contemporary social issues or even social history, one can be amused or furious depending on one’s proclivities. But when she decides to write about economic history, as she did yesterday (”Different drivers, same map”, March 15), her contribution becomes laughable.

Listen up, Droopy. Here’s what I think of you:

You’re irrelevant, and incorrect, and you need a facelift. I’m the one with the mathematics degree. I’m the one deriving from first principles. I am correct.

Moreover, you’re not bald, and you’re not wearing glasses.

Toodles!
xx Miranda