MirandaDevine.com

My dearest fawning admirers,

I would now like to dispense with a little bit of fan mail that has been stacking up lately. Being a journalist, I don’t really have time to get through it all, but I usually try and set aside half an hour or so a week up on the sunbed, to bask in the praise of the commoners.

Dear Miranda,

You are truly the greatest person ever to walk the planet. If only the whole world would listen to you, we could all live in glorious harmony.

Adoringly,

Ms M. Devine

Thank you very mch Ms Devine. Yes, I am fantastic. Unfortunately, we can never live in glorious harmony, mainly due to all the pinko dog-walking piano-playing cabbage-munching refugee sympathisers living in this part of the world. My advice to these people is: die.

Dear Miranda,

Your continued pressure on the NSW Government to build more dams is inspirational. You really should be allowed to run the state - democracy is for chumps anyway. Keep up the good work.

Regards,

William G. Hayden AC

Thanks for your support, Bill. Like many Australians, you are absolutely correct to recognise my brilliance.

My dear Miranda,

Fabulous work on the site. In the recent NSW ballot, I crossed out all the candidates and voted for you instead. Marvellous!

Padraic P. “Paddy” McGuinness

And so they go on. My inbox isn’t just fan mail though - some of the bottom-dwellers of society have finally learned how to use a computer and have been sending me a bit of hate mail. I’ve recorded their IP addresses and am reporting them to the authorities - these sort of people shouldn’t be able to afford computers, and have probably stolen them from a decent, hard-working Middle Australian.

One particular culprit goes by the name of “Ned”.

you’re a moron

you really are a moron

who said I still read… I just like calling you a moron…

btw, middle Australia is multicultural…. and when they wake up, i hope they can smell the coffee, whether it’s Lebanese, Greek, Turkish, latte (Italiano), Kenyan, or even Chinese tea…

we’ve got enough stupid racist intelorante homophobe human beings too!

hey in the end, it’s all caffeine… now that’s glorious…

mate, seriously now, you’re more than a moron, you’re just a complete idiot with a capital I…

also might I add a plagiarist at best in your journalistic skills… well not really skills, perhaps idiotic attempts to make a living by putting together like a child’s puzzle a few misguided joined up letters to make words to make paragraphs, we call articles… putt putt…… try harder won’t you…

Ned, I have just three points I would like to make.

1. You are wrong. I am right.
2. You are wrong. I am right.
3. I hope that, when the arabs strike at the heart of our democracy by killing innocent Middle Australians, you are the first to die. By standing up for the religious extremists, your kind is condemning all the hard working Australian families to a life of fear - fear at when they may strike next. We must round up all muslims, and send them to New Zealand.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have work to do.

Toodles!

xx Miranda