MirandaDevine.com

C’est magnifique!

Jealous French reporters with small penises levelled outrageous allegations at the Daniel Craig of swimming last Saturday.

The Australian swimmer, Ian Thorpe, 24, currently retired, took a dope test in 2006 which revealed abnormally high readings for testosterone and luteinizing hormone (LH), both products figuring on the list of banned substances. Thorpe won five Olympic gold medals, collected eleven World Championship titles, and set twenty-three world records.

What a load of old cabbage leaves! Of course he’s got high levels of testosterone - just take a look at his magnificent physique! Just the thought of him sends fluids coursing through my undergarments.

Those beautifully sculpted pectoral muscles, bulging biceps and chiselled abdominals are enough to bring the entire female population of the world to their knees. No wonder he was forced to wear the full body speed-suit: if he stuck with budgie smugglers, he’d never get through the throng of women crowding the door of his change room.

195cm of pure manliness is bound to generate more testosterone than your average French nancy-boy journalist. Ian Thorpe can leave me a sample of his fluids any day.