MirandaDevine.com

Glorious artist’s impression of the proposed Clarence Dam

The whingeing continues up north as Brisbane hits level 5 water restrictions. Not content with having squandered all of their own precious water (presumably to make that filthy XXXX garbage), they are now after our water supply!

The Gloriously Honourable Prime Minister of Middle Australia, John Howard, has been beguiled by the treacherous banana-bending premier, Peter Beattie. After finally taking notice of my advice and deciding to build a new dam, things were looking up for good old New South Wales. With a lovely, spanking new concrete wall to block up the Clarence river, we would be able to go back to the god old days of running under sprinklers, blooming agapanthus and personal muslim-repellant water cannons.

Beattie teamed up with the recently appointed Minister for Natural Mineral Water, Malcolm Turnbull, to concoct the greatest heist since Ocean’s Eleven. The pair plan to hijack our brand new dam, using it to top up Queensland’s squandered supplies. Worse still, Beattie expects the federal government, aka the people of Middle Australia, to pay for the whole shebang.

Outrageous!

Queenslanders have had just about enough handouts over the past 12 months. Between the pansy Innisvalese residents bitching about their cyclone-ravaged homes, and the corrupt senators for hijacking funds to pay for their grandmother’s retirement, the rest of Australia has had enough. We even let the Maroons win the State of Origin last year, but to no avail.

I say that now is the time for action. This latest insult is the final straw.

We must immediately dig a 15 foot canal between NSW and Queensland, build guardhouses, fences and cannon emplacements, and expel them from the Most Highly Glorious Commonwealth of Middle Australia.

First, we should blow up that water-guzzling Cubbie station, and reclaim our rightful share of the Murray-Darling system. For years now, we have suffered in silence, as our rights have slowly been eroded.

The right to use high pressured hoses to clean our letterboxes, the right to run sprinkler systems 24 hours a day, and most importantly, the right to keep our Toyota Monstrosities in top-top sparkling condition.

Arise, repressed Middle Australia! Take back what is truly yours!

Yesterday, the cursed banana-fetishists have already take more than their fair share of the GST. Today they are after our water. Tomorrow, they will be after our blood.

It’s time to move Middle Australia a bit further south. We can live without bananas and avocados.

Queensland, your days are numbered.

Toodles!

xx Miranda