MirandaDevine.com

(Photo: Flintlocker )>

Let me tell you, I’m not just an expert on the dry sciences of mathematics and economics (praise be to glorious Milton Friedman).

I, Miranda Esmerelda Diamond Agapantha Devine am also the preeminent authority when it comes to all things social science. I happen to be a sexologist, having spent years studying (and righteously vilifying) the queer behaviours of the banana-bending homosexual sausagedogs of Waterloo and the legume-loving deviance of Glebe-dwelling vegan lesbians. I have been a strong advocate for the death penalty for these shady scum who dwell and breed under society’s toenails.

I believe that all Australians should embrace the wholesome sexual glory of the Plain-Vanilla Kellyville Christian Housewives, and naturally, I am a consumate tome of knowledge when it comes to the sexual habits of the Average Middle Australian Couple. In my view, the only Middle-Australian institution more glorious than Howard’s Low-Interest Rate regime is the Saturday morning 2-minute-quickie with the wife, and of course, the time-honoured Middle-Australian tradition, the “Dutch Oven”. I was party to one of those once, at a Young Liberals After-Party. Of course, I was the one doing the baking. I dropped my guts so hard that, soon after the event, Alexander Downer donned a pair of fishnet stockings and stopped liking women.

But let me tell you this. These practices need to be kept behind closed doors by consenting adults. I was horrified by the disgraceful flatulating of that errant teen, whom, after beefing in a young lady’s nostrils during an act of non-consensual sex, exclaimed “Get That Into You”. Although I’m a big fan of the young man’s tagline, I’m not a fan of the context. Every single person in that Young Liberals After-Party boudoir consented to me releasing an obnoxious cloud of sulphurous gas in their presence. That is all I have to say on the matter. Ask Tony Abbott if you really want the full details. Put it this way, I’d eaten a truckload of cucumber sandwiches and broccoli that afternoon.

The real problem, of course, is with those raging bastions of disrespect to everyone: Muslims. Oh, and the Disney Corporation. I’ll go through it in chronological order. Sheik al Hilaly started it with his “uncovered meat” reference. The Little Mermaid continued the hideous demise of female dignity with her cleavage and strange sexual relations with a clearly bisexual Spanish crab named Sebastian. The leprechaun of post-modern smut, Bono, completed the trifecta with his tragic endorsement of that little harlot, Kylie Minogue. David Bowie topped it all off with his Ziggy Stardust gender-bending. Gyah. The results are hideous. Tweens in G-Bangers! What next? Dutch oven cropdusting fiascos at MyLittlePony sleepovers!?!?! Spongebob Squarepants Bondage Parties??????!!!!!??!?! Teletubbies Naked Foam Orgies!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????!!?!?!

I have a solution, but I choose not to reveal it - you simply wouldn’t understand. I’m not entirely sure what the point of this post was, other than to express my outrage. I am outraged and angered and saddened beyond belief.

Um.

Have I reached 500 words yet?

Toodles!
xx Miranda