MirandaDevine.com

Glorious Kate Middleton, taken from the spotlight too soon.

Did I also mention that I am a master chef? That’s correct Middle Australians, you can check off another box on the ‘Miranda Devine is Truly Glorious’ checklist on your refrigerators next to your superbly informative ASIO FridgeMagnets. Being a superb mathematician, I like to derive things from first principles, and ergo I am one of the best scratch cooks you will ever have the privilege of agreeing with.

I don’t bother cooking any of that foul falafel business. Bratwurst is for Nazi Germans! French Cuisine is for Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Liberal Lesbians with hairy armpits!

That’s right, readers, I, Miranda Esmerelda Diamond Agapantha Devine only cook one type of cuisine: The Glorious Food of the Motherland.

British Cuisine!

Delicious. A big fat banger with some mash on the side makes me go positively ga-ga. Besides, whenever I cook Anglais-style, the smell of bubble and squeak makes me think of one man. Daniel Craig.

Hubba hubba!

Here in Glorious Middle Australia, I get the best of both worlds. Not only do I get to eat glorious English food, I get to live in a country that is actually experiencing a net outflow of those dirty Indians with their vile curries. Hah! Did I mention that I enjoy year-round sunshine, and have recently installed an outdoor airconditioner for my rooftop sunbed. Life is grand right here. You don’t get that in England.

Also, I am sheltered from the kind of tabloidal fingerpointing journalism that is common in England. It truly makes me feel sick. In fact, at the thought of that, I think I am going to chunder out the window all over that aboriginal hobo sleeping on my doorstep.

Superb! The second shower that smelly old fellow has had in years!

Where was I? That’s right. I am disgusted by the way the English Press vilifies some people. I only vilify people at the fringes who deserve it anyway (Banana bending vegan cyclists, gay sausagedogs, civil rights barristers, immigrants, teenagers, arts students, the Teletubbies, the Labor Party, Left Wingers, Queenslanders and anyone who disagrees with me, I’m looking at you).

Those hideous bad-toothed “journalist” gits over in England have been getting into the gloriously ordinary Kate Middleton about her ordinariness. Let me tell you Kate, if you ever get sick of those toffs with their halitosis, bulldog-shaped mothers and white skin, come over here. Here in Middle Australia, we enjoy a Middle Class Meritocracy. Anyone who wants a plasma screen TV can get one, and once that have it, bugger everyone else. Stragglers, vegans and hangers-on end up in Guantanamo Bay. I think this is a fantastic system. Kate, if you haven’t gotten a plasma screen yet, you are probably not doing enough to exclude others, or assert your rights. You need to think about yourself a little more. Spend less time skiiing in Switzerland with the royals and more time saving for a home deposit.

You should also note, however, that shacking up with a man while unmarried is a bad move. It is the ultimate in sin. Shacking up with a guy before marriage is only one step away from donating to Barnardos for Kids.

We don’t do that in Middle Australia. Here in Middle Australia, people remain single until at least 16 years old. If you want to shag guys, you need to get married early, move to Kellyville, purchase a big screen TV and start breeding as soon as possible. There are some superb houses out there, and mortgages are freely available. You should consider it, Kate. Nobody will hassle you for calling a toilet a toilet. There won’t be any silly toffs saying “doors to manual”. It will be glorious.

Toodles!
xx Miranda