MirandaDevine.com

Hold on to your hairpieces: I’m back! That’s right - I, Miranda Esmerelda Gloriosa Diamond Agapantha Devine, have returned from my self-imposed exile from the world of the internet.

For the past month or so I have been involved in one of the most exciting, intense, undercover investigative journalism investigations since Ray Martin’s heroic investigation of Shane Paxton’s garbage. That’s right - I, Miranda Esmerelda Gloriosa Diamond Agapantha Devine, have been undercover at the ABC.

That bastion of gay aboriginal leprechauns has long been accused of bias - whether it be Maxine McKew attempting to bring down capitalism, or Mike Bailey delivering his subversive weather reports, the ABC has long been jam-packed with the lowest form of life - so-called “small-l” liberals.

How dare they call themselves that? Taking the name of the greatest political party this country has ever seen - and insinuating that the word “Liberal” somehow translates to promoting the plague-like spread of multiculturalism, homosexuality and dog-ownership? Any true Liberal would clamp down on this misuse of the glorious English language, as sanctioned by the very fine Macquarie Dictionary, and imprison these self-proclaimed “small-ls” until they learn to use the shift key.

Anyway, let’s get back to my highly courageous mission to infiltrate the ABC.

One night I sat on my rooftop, soaking up some rays from my personal coal-fired water-cooled luxury sunbed, and basking in my perpetual glory. As my fifth Pimms №1 was settling nicely into my stomach, I realised that the only way to expose the ABC for the comrade-ridden hell hole that it has become was to disguise myself as one of them.

But who? And how would I pull it off?

Acting was never my forte. I excelled in the arena of debating, as I only debated people who agreed with me. My journalism skills are second to none. But on the stage, I simply don’t belong. Leave that to the experts (Daniel Craig) and the bilious left.

The bilious left.

Of course! The key thing to remember about lefties is that they are stupid! That’s why they’re all unemployed, unwashed, unmarried bums!

So my plan then, was to march into the ABC, demanding that they give me evidence that they are biased. Lacking the wits to cover up their glaring penchant for the hammer and sickle, they would break down and turn to the glorious righteousness that is I, Miranda Esmerelda Gloriosa Diamond Agapantha Devine.

Miranda Esmerelda Gloriosa Diamond Agapantha Devine. It’s a good name, isn’t it?

To cut a long story short, climate change is a steaming pile of Kim Beazley’s steak and kidney pie. My assault on ABC headquarters in Ultimo has resulted in the belated broadcast of the greatest piece of science since Newton’s Philosophiae Naturalis Principia Mathematica - The Great Global Warming Swindle.

As Patrick Moore says: the failure of world communism, combined with the Wall coming down, released a lot of peaceniks and political activists into the environmental movement. These neo-Marxists have singlehandedly caused the hole in the ozone layer, the 9/11 attacks, and the death of Slim Dusty.

Bring on la niña, and Middle Australia can go back to worrying about reds under the bed.