MirandaDevine.com

After the so-called “exoneration” of that kebab-eating, beard-growing, tetanus-injecting Doctor of Death, Mohamed “ROFLCOPTER” Haneef, and his flight from the glorious shores of Middle Australia, all I have to say about the matter is this:

He left because he was guilty.

Thanks to my highly investigative journalism, I believe we can put the Haneef case to bed as a triumph for our glorious government. Hurrah! Take that, Queer Charlie, Quite Communist, Civil Rights Barristers Q.C.!

Unfortunately, while our hummus-consuming friend is basking in his own body odour in darkest, foulest, smelliest India, news in my part of the world is a little slow. However, in the interests of uncovering the evils that peril our glorious lifestyle and ensuring that I continue to be paid a ridiculous salary for writing 1000 words a week, I decided it would be beneficial to write an article about…something that outrages me.

• Aborigines? No. The less said, the better. Particularly with an election coming up.
• Communists? No…I might end up contradicting myself. Besides, I now have the reds that were living under my bed working as a chain gang to pave my driveway. Marvellous! Capitalism in Action!
• Terrorists? Be alert, be alarmed, and fire at will on suspicious-looking Muslims in burqas!!! Oh, but it’s all so old hat right now.

Let’s talk about Pop Trash Pornstars, Middle Australia. You know the ones that I’m talking about. The ones infiltrating the minds of innocent teen girls from Perth to Point Piper.

1. Paris “Hotdog down a Hotel Hallway” Hilton.
2. Lindsay “Loose Lips Pink Tacos” Lohan.
3. Nicole “Something down there feels itchy” Richie.
4. Posh “Pig-nose-prissy-pants” Spice.
5. Germaine “Terrorist” Greer.

To the individuals 1 – 4: you are a menace to society, with your shaven crotches and fast cars and outlandish drinking habits. Quit bikini waxing and get a day job. If you’re going to drive dangerously, only do so in areas populated with persons of colour. To individual no. 5: Quit your day job and get a bikini wax. Or in the very least, consider removing your beard.

The increasing sexualisation of women in our society is somewhat worrying. Not only are young women being portrayed as sex-on-tap supertramps, ready to do the rumpypumpy in the rhododendrons at first opportunity, trollops such as Ms Hilton and Co. are encouraging our young women to become proponents of the stereotype.
Male magazines are loving it. Shorn pubic hair is clogging showers throughout the nation!

Our Middle Australian women are turning into lapdancing labradors, panting and howling for bone!

A tragic, crack-smoking, raging generation of lascivious strippers!!!

I really don’t have a solution for this, but boy, it makes for great filler.

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Encourage all aboriginal children to read!…

Please excuse me, anyhow. I have a date with Kevin Andrews. We met online. Hubba hubba!

Toodles!!
xx Miranda