MirandaDevine.com

Iraq (Photo: US Army’s Soldiers Media Center)

Listen up, naysayers, civil rights barristers, leftist bananabending cyclists and queer communist sympathisers. For too long you have gorged yourselves at the table of the naive bleeding-hearts, cramming your stomachs full of tofu and kidney beans and celery juice whilst decrying the “problems” with Australia’s involvement in Iraq and poopoo-ing the threat of militaristicist Islamitism.

But guess what? Dinner time is over, you raging leftist incorrectanistas! You’ve quaffed your final cup of organic wine! You’ve squeezed out your last vegan fart! Go back to the kiddie’s table, eat some prime Australian beef and follow it up with a large slice of humble pie!

Miranda Devine has been there and done that in the Middle East!

That’s right, glorious Middle Australians! For the last week or so I have been tramping around the barren countryside of the anus of planet Earth. I penetrated the world’s sphincter amidst sand, dirty sand-dwellers, and some extremely hunky Australian soldiers.

In the extremities, extremism prevails. I would like to think that my presence in Iraq and Afghanistan brought back some of the balance.

Why do I do it, you ask? Why leave the comfortable confines of my lovely McMansion and the hibiscus in the front yard and the sunbed and the Toyota Monstrosity? Why not just go to Bali?

After all, who is going to to feed the immigrants living on the roof?

Like Peter Garrett, all these questions are irrelevant. (For the sake of clarification, there are plenty of possums scurrying across my roof for the immigrants to eat.)

Because the nation needs to be informed. I am the rallying call to all soldiers of the Fellowship of the Completely and Utterly Correct. I am the messenger to the glorious Ordinary Australian, travelling through time, space and the supermarket. I bring the world to you, packaged in a neat and morally digestable parcel.

Because Middle Australia has a right to know.

So know this, leftist cuscus cuddlers - the situation is under control! We have the guns, and we have the surge, and the surge is surging very well. Victory will be ours very soon!

Extremist ideologues will be crushed, stripped naked and sacrified at the altar of average! Mediocrity will be king! The oil will be ours!

Oil? Did I just say oil? I meant… Peace on Earth.

That’s a total lie. Peace is for Peaceniks. OIL FOR ALL MIDDLE AUSTRALIANS!!

Toodles!
xx Miranda