MirandaDevine.com

This cannot be happening.
Something is wrong here.
The prophecy is incorrect and my gloriously correct view of the world has been thrown into a state of quiet calamity.

Late last week, Greg McCleay was an ordinary Middle Australian. A glorious Middle Australian: the kind of Middle Australian that my weekly Nobel Prize-worthy dissertations exalt on the pedestal of Average. A nice man, with a nice air conditioned house, in a nice street with numerous battleaxes, with nice rhododendrons in the front yard, a magnolia tree out the back. A plasma screen in the living room.

A sunbed on the roof.
(Perhaps not. One does not spend much time basking on sunbeds when they actually have work to do.)

This man was taking his gloriously ordinary self out on a gloriously ordinary outing into the centre of Sydney for some gloriously ordinary yum cha. Sydney cuisine brings a tear to my eye. It is so gloriously ordinary.

Performing an ordinary road crossing, as ordinary Middle Australians are wont to do, Mr McCleay was molested by a squadron of swinish and overeager coppers.

His only crime? An absolutely horrendous Hawaiian shirt.
I would have thoroughly condoned his arrest had it been made on these grounds. But as a discerning legal authority on all things lex legibus legaleagle, I contend that the punishment must fit the crime!

Thinking dissenting thoughts? The death penalty is the only answer.
Being a Muslim? A plague on your house…and a stint in Guantanemo for you!!
Leftism? Try some chemical castration, celeryheads!!!!

But crossing the road? There is clearly no crime here. If Mr McCleay was a Thug of Middle Eastern Descent, it would have been a different story. But this man was only wearing a Hawaiian shirt. There was no towel on his head. There was no hotted-up hoon car or saddled up camel.

This man was an ordinary Middle Australian. Crossing the road.

(Which reminds me of a catastrophically hilarious joke I made up the other day:

What do you call a rubber chicken in a wheelchair crossing the road?
…
Stephen Hawking! HAH!)

Back to the crisis.

I’m not sure what to do about this. If I complain, I’m a raging civil libertarian who should be shot. If I don’t I am effectively condoning attacks on glorious ordinary Australians. I’m all for police brutality, but not when it concerns one of our own! Everybody knows that innocent people don’t need justice!!

The laws MUST protect US From THEM!!!!

I am in a serious pickle at this point in time. I am in quite the lather. There is a hot sweat running down my back. I fear somebody is going to disagree with my standpoint over the last decade, and I’m not going to have a comeback.

But, as a great man once said: “Don’t let a few Asian kids falling off a boat get in the way of a thoroughly correct opinion.” There is no way that I am wrong. I have jettisoned the proverbial Asian kids, and have backed the Miranda Devine vessel of correctness over them. The propellor is chewing them up this minute. We won’t hear from them again. What’s that, leftist scum? You told me so? No, I can’t hear you, I’m too busy backing up my boat.

Never fear, Middle Australia. There is nothing wrong with draconian legislation. The APEC catastrophy of the weekend was clearly a result of police boredom.

In fact, I blame the Muslim thugs from Cronulla from not coming out en masse to stir up trouble and give the police something to do.

See how I did that?

That was good journalism. All is right with the world. I need a stiff drink!!

Toodles!!
xx Miranda