Tonsil Hockey
Published November 5th, 2007 in General
Golly! You would think that we were slap bang in the middle of an election campaign or something!
There I was, relaxing in my lower north-shore rehab clinic, when all of a sudden who should appear but Mike Bailey! Union official! Communist! Leftist Labor candidate for North Sydney! And what’s more, former ABC weatherman and Kyoto sympathiser!
All these exclaimations had made me nervous, and it was time to return home. With joe Hockey’s face smiling down from every corner on my Toyota Monstrosity, I felt somewhat placated. The election campaign has begun, and it is time for some Miranda Magic to put the smile back on dear old Mr Howard.
Pulling in to my Willoughby mansion, I noticed that my agapanthus looked somewhat neglected. After making a quick phone call to the immigration deparment, who promptly came and deported my gardener, I was ready to unload the contents of my rainwater tank in order to revive the dear plants.
Here’s a handy tip for young players: plumb your mains water straight into a rainwater tank, and you can water your garden 24 hours per day, without any of those pesky greenies bothering (and possibly fatally bashing) you.
Forgive me for being a little North-Shore-centric, but people from the west are scum anyway and I don’t want them reading my column. I would now like to pay homage to one of the greatest names in Australian politics: Marcus Dudley Aussie-Stone. Check out this list of electoral achievments:
- 1972, Lowe (NSW) - lost to Billy McMahon (LP)
- 1973, Parramatta (NSW) - lost to Philip Ruddock (LP)
- 1974, NSW Senate - lost
- 1975, Bass (Tas) - lost to Kevin Newman (LP)
- 1975, Casey (Vic) - lost to Peter Falconer (LP)
- 1975, Cook (NSW) - lost to Don Dobie (LP)
- 1975, Diamond Vally (VIC) - lost to Neil Brown (LP)
- 1975, Henty (VIC) - lost to Ken Aldred (LP)
- 1975, Isaacs (VIC) - lost to David Hamer (LP)
- 1975, Lang (NSW) - lost to Frank Stewart (ALP)
- 1975, Paterson (NSW) - lost to Frank O’Keefe (NCP)
- 1975, Werriwa (NSW) - lost to Gough Whitlam (ALP)
- 1990, Wills (VIC) - lost to Bob Hawke (ALP)
- 1993, Blaxland (NSW) - lost to Paul Keating (ALP)
- 1996, Blaxland (NSW) - lost to Paul Keating (ALP)
- 1996, Blaxland (NSW) - lost to Michael Hatton (ALP)
- 1998, Bennelong (NSW) - lost to John Howard (LP)
- 2005, Werriwa (NSW) - lost to Chris Hayes (ALP)
And that’s just federal politics. Sure, he’s not much of a candidate for the glorious seat of North Sydney, but I will surely be giving my preference to him above the triumvirate of tree huggers: Labor, Greens and Dr Karl!
Speaking of luxurious vehicles, I hope that all of my readers have a chance to test drive the new Hummer H3. It’s not quite as large and magnificent as my Toyota Monstrosity, but the sheer power of the Hummer just makes me go all quivery in the knees. If you’ve got an attractive salesman riding with you, you’d better plan for an extra hour when you take it off-road, if you know what I mean. Glorious!
Anyhow dear readers, it seems that my new sunbed has just arrived. The front lawn is crawling with dirty RTA workers who have blockaded the street in order to hoist my magnificent, clean coal-powered beauty device onto my roof. I must dash.
Toodles!
xx Miranda
2 Responses to “Tonsil Hockey”
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Dear Miranda,
Darling, a few things I would like to comment on. Firslty, love the site. Incidently I found it with a direct link from black inc publishing where I was reading an article from David Marr who was espousing your undoubted overpowering intelligence and insightful and cutting social commentary.
I’ve only had the chance to read your most recent post on the glorious merits of the lower house reign of Joe Hockey in the safe (thank god) seat of north sydney.
Thankfully though I’ve been able to cancel the rest of my days appointments to allow me to focus entirely on this wonderfully crafted and immensly intelligent commentary on the most important of Australian values, that of middle Australia.
As an individual that has only recently been able to publicly admit that I spent my formative years in the South West Sydney suburb of Liverpool, I find your comments on the wonderful merits of the correct or the ‘right’ side of the bridge immensely refreshing.
As a child I always dreamed of the what life was like on this side of the great expanse of water that seperates the uncontestable high moral values of the north shore with the great unwashed swill that exists on the other polluted side of the bridge.
For the past ten to fifteen years I have worked incredibly hard to gain not only enough financial but moral assets to allow me into the rightfully secluded haven of the lower north shore. About twelve months ago my dreams became reality when I secured rental accommodation in the exclusive suburb of Cremorne. It was, as I imagined a nirvana far beyond my expectations. I thought I had finally made it.
However, reading your recent post I realise that I still have a ways to go. Based on your published thoughts I will be making the following changes to my life :
1. Cancel the Prius, and give in to the urge for a Toyota Monstrosity,
2. Stand for the senate and make sure we ban the import of the Prius,
3. Stand for the lower house and propose a seperate federation be constructed in the boudnaries of the North Sydney and Warringah electorates (of course I will be nominating you Miranda as our Supreme Godess) (I would have included Bennelong but the facist left of the AEC has now made the seat into a farce by including suburbs west of wolstonecraft (SPLITTERS!)),
4. Hook up my rainwater tank to the local BP service station and siphon crude directly into the harbour where the prevailing tides and currents will take the waste downstream to marginals such as Parramata,
5. Burn my Keating ‘07 t-shirt, my only copy of Tom Urens biography ’straight left’, the 1960 publication of the speeches of Ben Chifley and melt down and sell for scrap the solid gold bust of Gough Whitlam that currently adourns the mantle in my living room.
Miranda thank you for this blog, I cant imagine the mistakes I would have been making in my life if I wouldnt have found it.
I must go now, I have lots of catch up reading to do in your expansive archives.
Anthony
Dear Miranda,
Sorry, just a second i have to turn down the Phillip Adams interview with Dr. Jim Cairns that is in my classic LNL ABC archive…..there now thats done let me concentrate on you…
I know the aspirational goals that I prescribe may be just a pipedream, but I feel in my heart I am middle Australia. With Christmas coming up and having to resort to spending time with my biological underclass family in the caravan on the slum outskirts of this fine city, I need the support and emotional crutch that you and other middle australian mentors and leaders can provide. I know I can make it! I know I can make!
MMMMM Meat Pie Shop…no stop it! You are upper middle class Anthony! Repeat after me…Ra Ra, Bed Bath and Beyond, Soy Decaf half caf latte….Phew that was close…
Thanks for the advice though.
HooRoo
Anthony
P.S. Ive got to speak to Kevin Andrews this afternoon anyway…Shall I mention the lawnmower man that was bothering you?