MirandaDevine.com

Dangerous hippies congregating in public plazas: this will be the outcome if Clover the Terrible gets her way.

Without the Eye of the Glorious John Winston Howard, the pestilence of the Left has spread. Teenage gothics with vile painted fingernails are pelting me with organic bananas wherever I go. ASIO is not returning my calls, despite my repeated pleas to have these dangerous nincompoops shot on sight. They used to arrest anyone I made even the slightest mention of.

A case in point: That dastardly Clover “Leftist Nanny Goat of Doom” Moore is at it again - trying to turn Sydney into a strawberry field for hippies and yak herders. This time the evil lesbian overlord of utopian anti-progress has temporarily put down her bong to recruit the world’s foremost tripped-out pantsgoblin of public piazzas, Jan Gehl. A snotty, opinionated Euro, so I’m told. No doubt a raging artiste and problematic dissident. Most certainly a hideous character with a penchant for Ikea and a little too much bratwurst. The thought makes me bilious. Gyah. Vomitous, in fact.

Mr Gehl, somewhat confused by the notion that in Miranda’s Middle Australia, Cars Fucking Rule, has descended from on high to proclaim that we should close down the CBD. He suggests that honest, Middle Australian vehicles make way and allow feminist dog-walkers to take over, for all eternity. Mr Gehl, I have this to say to you: Thank you for climbing down from your mushroom to present us with your psychadelic, Bono-inspired views on the world. However, Sydney has no need for Alice in Wonderland-style caterpillar characters, smoking hookah and delivering grand theories on how to run our glorious metropolis. Kindly go and play in the traffic, you odious, hideous architect of the destruction of Our Way of Life.

This isn’t Copenhagen, this is a cosmopolitan city! I’ve never visited Copenhagen, but by the sounds of it, Copenhagen is painfully boring. Bike riding is for vegans and people who live on flat terrain. How dare this jellyheaded hornswoggler, Jan Gehl, tell me to make my own way up hills. This little Danish gnome thinks that we should become better athletes by walking and biking more often. Here’s the tip, Mr Gehl: Michael Schumacher is the greatest athlete alive. You don’t see Michael Schumacher walking up hills. Michael Schumacher drives up hills at maximum speed!

This is Middle Australia, and I am Miranda Esmerelda Agapantha Gloriosa Schumacher Diamond Devine!!

The creation of public piazzas will only spell disaster for our excellent city. Everybody knows that in today’s Australia, public property is for people who can’t afford private property, and the public can’t afford people who can’t afford private property. They will be havens for homeless troglodytes and prostitution by all manner of High Court Justices! They will be filled with grubby little children, waging wars against their parents in Lord of the Flies military coups!

Picture the outcome, Middle Australians: your children, out past bedtime, having orgies with High Court Justices firing machine guns in public piazzas, with only Joe “Unemployed” Hildebrand and the dirty local buskers as babysitters.

Did I mention the buskers!? Those hideous noiseboxes of postmodern smut? Warbling out their songs of dissent from their electric guitars?

The last thing Australia needs is another Bono.

Toodles!
xx Miranda