‘Tis the Season to Do What’s Best for You
Published December 19th, 2007 in General
Marxine McKew: she is no Santa Claus…she’s a Bolshevik dissident!
Merry Christmas to all who agree with me! To the leftist vegan fairies celebrating paganistic Yuletide with their same-sex partners: I hope Santa takes a big, steaming, milk and arrowroot biscuit-flavoured turd in your Christmas pudding. I also hope you spend the season resolving to take a right-hand turn. Middle Australia demands it.
Peace on Earth, I say! Well, Peace on Earth when it is cost effective and advantageous to Our Way of Life.
To Marxine McKew: I hope your Christmas really sucks. I see you there, you evil communist, prancing around John Howard’s electorate wearing a red hat. I know what you’re up to. The red hat is not about Santa Claus and you’re not spreading Christmas cheer. You’re spreading subversive socialist dogma! I’ve got my eye on you, Marxine. I’ll eat you for breakfast.
I’ve set up a most fantastic tree, dear readers. I ordered a most terrific black market Wollemi pine on EBay. The bonus: I got to stand there with my blunderbuss and blast all the possums they shook out of it before decorating! Glorious!
A warning to all Middle Australians at this time of year: your rampant (and gloriously deserved) consumption may be causing your credit cards to melt and pangs of guilt to creep into your highly intelligent brains. Beware: this is when Salvation Army members and leftist collectors from Barnardos for Kids will strike and try to take your money, lining the pockets of dole bludging piggieswigglers from here to Budgewoi.
Do not encourage this scourge. Remember this: Credit Cards equal free money. Feel no guilt. You deserve a new plasma TV. Reginald the Pensioner in the wheelchair who lives in the caravan down the road doesn’t need your charity and goodwill: he needs a job.
Of course, I’ve been doing my part, patrolling my own neighbourhood and mowing down vegan doorknockers and do-gooder charity collectors on sight. As I stealthily cruise in my Toyota Monstrosity, I’ve been most impressed by the glittering glory of McMansions covered in lights. A most schmaltzy and delightful spectacle, glimmering in Americanised glamour! My favourite so far: a giant airconditioning unit lit up as Frosty the Snowman. Genius!
Quite taken by the urge to better my fellow Middle Australians, I myself have purchased 200,000 fairy lights. The immigrants on the roof are installing them this minute.
What’s that, vegan greenie killjoys? My lights are bad for the environment? Hah! I’ll have you know my lights are running on 100% green power: I’ve installed a Mongolian in the garage who is pedalling furiously, 24 hours a day!
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!!
Toodles!!
xx Miranda
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Miranda darling,
I know one doesn’t like to shine too bright in these dark dark times, but I simply must know - sipping one’s Bolly at Ascot, I heard a most amusing rumour. About you. Now I’m sure it’s just a moment of some small soul’s spiteful jealousy, but, well I must ask. She, yes she, of course, claimed that you were in fact the love child of a tryst between your dear papa Frank & the Duchess of Windsor. No I said. Was I correct?
Yours in gracious grimness
BB
Miranda ya old slag, do me a favour and tell your mate Timmeh Blair to shut the fuck up. He’s giving me the shits, and I’ve already got the runs from your column.